I have a friend that is going through one of the most painful things anyone could ever go through....out of respect for that friend I am not going to go into details as to what that is or who the friend is. I admire this person more than they'll probably ever know and could only wish to have strengh like theirs one day. It's always amazing to me how one can endure so much pain and still muster up the strength everday for their family. In a recent post, my friend questioned their relationship with God and thought there would be some negative feedback from readers......I too have always had a "unique" situation with God / Religion / Faith. This was my response to my dear, dear friend.....(edited just a little for privacy reasons)
struggled with God for a very long time. My mom never really pushed any sort of religion on me or my sister, so I’ve always said I was sort of left to just “figure it out on my own”. And that figuring out on my own didn’t really get me too far. I’ve seen so many horrible things in my life leaving me to question "if there is a God how can this happen?” Which I’m sure is something along the lines of the way you think.
I still don’t know what I believe when it comes to Him. I’m with you on the fact that I do believe that there is some sort of higher being…there has to be. There are a lot of amazing things in life that define us or make us immensely happy and that has to come from somewhere. Things like the innocence of a child or a random, kind act from a stranger. There is good in this world and I know you know that. But that doesn’t make explaining the bad or finding the “reason” in the bad any easier.
Me and God are no longer speaking either, I don’t know if we ever TRULY have. I have my reasons. I thought I went through enough “shit” when I was a kid when it came to my childhood and my health and honestly, getting my spleen out I thought was the end to all of that. But fast forward 7 years – a healthy, relatively happy 24 year old going through, to me, excruciating pain and it taking forever the find the answer of what was wrong with me. Why does one have to go through that? I’m not a bad person. I do good things. When I see a homeless person begging for money on the side of the street, I’m not a naysayer and I don’t down him for the choices he’s made, I roll down my window and give him a dollar or two…sometimes five if he’s looking in need of a few beers instead of just one :) And it never fails…whenever I do that I get the same response: “God Bless You”. Which baffles me. How can someone poor, hungry and homeless have a relationship with God. If I were him I’d be more angry. But I also find myself a little jealous of that relationship as well.
The caveat to all of that is this – sometimes I struggle when I do have tough times of really wishing I had someone, something to turn to when I feel like things are a little more than I can take. But I’ve never been able to fully “let go and let God” so to speak. I’ve had many of conversations with believers and to me, I just don’t get it. I really want to get it and maybe one day I will. I also get a little resentful towards God. Like if something really good happens to me and people tell me “thank Jesus” or whatever, I’m like “excuse me, I’m the one that did it, I’m the one that fought for it”. Even with my Lupus when I’m doing well and people think God played a hand in that somehow…I’m like “I’m the one taking my medicine, I’m the one who has changed how I eat and changed how I live, I’m the one who fights through the pain everyday….God shouldn’t get credit for that and “HE’S THE ONE THAT GAVE IT TO ME IN THE FIRST PLACE!” See. Bad, huh?
Now, I just sort of realized I started rambling a little bit….but the point to all of this is I want you to know you’re not alone in your thoughts. Geez, if you did put ALL of your faith in Him, I would actually be worried. And it’s funny…when I tell someone I’ll keep them in my “prayers”, it’s more so a response of what I feel is expected to say. How do I, in that moment, explain my relationship with God? I can’t say “Oh, I don’t truly pray so good luck with that”. Now, don’t get me wrong, I do have my private thoughts when it comes to WISHING someone well and truly wanting the best positive outcome, but I just don’t necessarily know if it’s a prayer per se. Like your situation for instance…I think of you guys every day. And now that I’m able to be a little more honest, I HOPE for your family every day. I HOPE that you continue to find the strength you need, I HOPE every day is a little better than the previous, I HOPE HOPE HOPE for your beautiful boys life :) And personally, I think HOPE can be a pretty strong thing, so I guess hope is my version of prayer :)
Stay strong beautiful friend and give that amazing boy a kiss from me and just know that it’s the support, strength, love and HOPE from your family and friends that, to me, is most important."
xoxoxoxo
ReplyDeleteYour amazing. None of this is easy for anyone...I don't understand life at all right now. But I do know that I really do thank god for friends like you. Your strong my friend...
Love ya
K
Devvy,
ReplyDeleteAll that you are experiencing regarding God is normal. My suggestion would be to listen to that CD I gave you a little while back. :) It should help as to why you don't seem to understand what's going on. What you are experiencing is God pulling at your heart to get your attention. The answers you are looking for reside in a book called the Bible :). I know you may be laughing by now but seriously, when I was going through the same thing, I wondered how the heck could God if He's so big, allow bad things to happen to reasonably good people? Why can't he just MAKE things happen how he wants. (See Romans 5). Well, in Genesis, the first book of the Bible, we are told about Adam and Eve and how God gave them free will. When Eve ate the apple, she caused Adam to eat it too and thus is the fall from grace. Jesus Christ was the price that was paid, the sacrifice that was made to restore that grace. God makes many, many promises to us in his Word (aka-the Bible) as He WROTE the Bible (through other people).
(2nd part of above comment)...
ReplyDeleteHe empowered those people through His Holy Spirit to write down how we should live. If we live according to His will and not our own, we will (because of Him) achieve the peace in our hearts that we always have longed for. I know that when I live according to His will and not my own, I am so much more at peace with everyone and everything else around me. It bleeds into every area of my life. In Proverbs 16:9, it says "I can make my plans, but the Lord will determine my steps". In other words, I may have an idea as to what I want to do in life, where I want to go but if I want to go the right way, I better allow God to direct me in the right direction. There is TREMENDOUS peace in my heart knowing that I don't have to do anything but work hard where ever I am at and God will provide for me. You know what Devvy? He has fulfilled some of His promises to me already. When you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior and allow him to "take the wheel" as Carrie Underwood says (lol) and you give God the control of your "car", your being, your life...you don't have to worry about what direction it will go anymore because whatever direction He drives it to is the right direction! All you need to do is follow Him. You know what? Some people think they have to change and "get right" before they can become a Christ follower but what happens instead is when you accept Jesus Christ and you tell God you want Him to take the wheel, He will begin to change you from the inside out and YOU won't have to "try" to change. You see, we fail all the time on our own, by our will. With the will and power of God, through Him, we become what He's desired for us all along. I/you just have to be willing to allow Him into every area of your life. Devvy, all good comes from God. I promise because God promised us. If something "bad" happens to us or someone we love, it is still for the good. (There are verses regarding this truth but they escape me right now. I'll have to look when I get home. Remember, God's view is infinite and His picture is so big sometimes that we can't see where the good is in what He's doing in our lives BUT, God promises to us in his Word, in the Bible that whatever happens is in our lives is for a good purpose. The WORLD says that GOD does bad things but the truth is that even those seemingly bad things are for a greater good purpose that we may not know now but if you are a Christ follower, you will go to Heaven and you will know then. (wow, nice run-on sentence, Tam). Have you ever realized the good that comes out of bad times, bad experiences, bad things happening? Well, that's the part of the bad that God allows us to see. Aside from that, God will carry you through hard times and HAS carried you through hard times when you couldn't walk.
That's just a blink of info. I can give you Devvy. We can def. talk more if you want. We never did get to go to lunch to discuss so now might be a great time! :) Regardless of how you are feeling right now, know that God loves you and so do I and I'd love to talk to you more about Him because He is absolutely without a doubt real, incredible, awesome, amazing and the bestest friend you could ever ask for. I can prove it.
I only read the first paragraph of your post and my last 2 posts were regarding that. I can explain EVERYTHING else that you posted and why you feel the way you do. I think I can help you understand Devvy. :) Let's talk over lunch or maybe hang on the weekend or sumpfin & go to dinner. There's an awesome sushi place on McMullen Booth and it's notoriuos, been around for 15 years + and they have great prices. Plus the owners go to my church and they are the BOMB!
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