Appreciation for Life

So.  My head is just filled with so much right now.  So much that it’s hard to explain.  So much that it’s overwhelming me with raw emotion – which is not a place I enjoy being.  I hate the fact that sometimes it’s so hard to see outside of your own little bubble of dysfunction to actually appreciate that bubble of dysfunction.  Ok, so I have a lot of homework this weekend so my social life might have to take a back seat.  Ok, so my job is driving me a little bananas.  Ok, so a co-workers laugh makes me want to crawl out of my own skin.  Ok, so I am a 34 year old Lupus patient, single with no children.  Yah, yah – woe is me.  WHY is it so easy for people to focus on the negative in their life and then let it consume them?  I hate that.  Why is it so hard to walk with your head held high and be in a constant state of gratitude and love?  Why are the bad things such a BIG deal and the good things sometimes not even mentioned?  I have a loving family that I know would die for me.  But with the “everything” that is consuming me right now I think I should be saying, I have a loving, HEALTHY family that I know would die for me.  I have the most beautiful, amazing friends that see me through some of the darkest moments.  I have a Keurig for Pete’s sake and that brings me more joy than I could ever explain.

I have friends right now that are going through or have gone through what no human being should ever have to endure – too many friends.  For respect of their privacy I am not going to go into details, but it’s killing me and making me cry like a baby and I keep coming to WHY?  WHY?!  WHY?!?!  I know I am immensely blessed in so many ways, everyone is – but why is it so easy to lose sight of that in the wake of flying off the handle because of your morning traffic jam?  It’s moments like I’m having right now – even though the tough-girl me often proclaims “I have no regrets” – reminds me of my regrets.  Let’s be real; we all have them.  Why didn’t I stay a truer friend to that person?  Why did I let distance be the reason that they’re not in my life like I’d like them to be?   My heart hurts so much for these friends that if I could take away even one ounce of their stress, worry or pain I would in a minute.  If I had the money to find the “cure” for all things evil I would spend every last penny trying to do just that.  If I could bring someone back – I would.  If I could give you the answers so you’re not in “limbo” anymore – I would.  The strength that exudes from these individuals inspires me. 

It’s funny because I haven’t blogged in a really, really long time and I look at the last blog I posted and it was about something that frustrated me and made me angry.  And reading it now, I’m honestly a little embarrassed by it.  No more.  Basically I need to start appreciating the life I’ve been given a little more and not focus on the bad like I used to.  Gratitude.  Patience.  Love.  Joy.  Friendship.  Laughter.  The Fundamentals.  I truly am not a Debbie-Downer type of person – I’ve just had some things happen lately that have put me in a place I don’t like being.  With what’s been going on with my friends lately it’s reminding me of the person I know I am.  It’s giving me a perspective on life again that I think more people should have.  Everyone says “No matter what happens to you it could always be worse”.  Everyone has heard that or said that a time in their life.  But have you ever truly stopped to appreciate what that really means?  Some of you have, I’m sure – but everyone?  These friends of mine are amazing – truly amazing people.  Even in the face of all these challenges they still take a moment to smile and do things for others, when they would have every right to convert into their own bubble and say “Eff You” to the rest of the world – and no one would blame them.  They still take the time to give their friendship, to show their love, to….well….to appreciate life because they truly know how precious it is.